| Brief update.
James and I are done, he left me three days after I got to college. Pretty sure he's with someone else now, but I don't intend to find out.
Classes here are really hard, and I keep busy. I've been sleeping a lot lately, I'm actually a little worried about it but oh well.
Things with Walter are tough, he's doing night work and it's hard to even get a hold of him.
There's a new boy in my life, Gabe. It's going well thus far, but who knows anymore?
I don't think I know what love is anymore, but then again, I don't think I ever did. |
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| No one uses this anymore.
But I would just like to say that I'm doing a lot better now.
I am still off of my medication. Every day is a struggle.
Some days are harder than others, but I'm making it.
And at this current moment, I'm great.
I love James, and I always will.
I love Stephanie, she is my best fucking friend.
And when it comes down to it, them & my family is all I need. |
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| Plan
I fake happy until he wants me again. Keep faking happy or do whatever is necessary to keep him. Forever.
And just in case that doesn't work, I stopped taking all my night-time medication. It's my mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic and sleeping pill. It's been 3 days. That's 2 pills a night. 6 pills so far. In a month it'll be 90 pills. And if that somehow doesn't kill me, I'll just have to have a date with the bath tub & shower. Yes.
I'm feeling pretty happy now that I know it'll all work out one way or another.
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| What's wrong with me? Why can't I find love? Why doesn't he love me? I'm just not good enough. Going to cut tonight, and get fucked up on klonopin tomorrow morning.
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| I was okay today but now I'm not and I really just can't stop thinking about dying. I constantly hope that a car will hit me or I'll get struck my lightening. Fuck.
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